Today was a hard day. Actually, correction… Today was a great day until dusk came. I woke up, read the word, made my coffee, and got ready for church. I went to my new church, sat with a friend who was visiting, left church, and spent the rest of the day delighting in my family & baby niece. Everything was good until it very quickly wasn’t.
The effort of trying to make sense of stuff started, and I quickly spiraled into confusion, anger, sadness, and crying out to the Lord to help me. I knew this one felt heavier than most of the Sunday blues I have faced, so I tried to be proactive in helping it by reaching out to a friend who ended up going on a walk with Maverick and me. But once we made it back, and I started to head home, the emotions and feelings set in again.
Why did all of this happen? Why did I love so big, care so deeply, and give so much to people who were just going to forget about me so quickly? Was I just a means to an end for them? Did they see me as a threat rather than a helping and loving hand? Was everything ever said to me that was kind or encouraging just to keep me around longer? Was it all just a scheme so I would stay around sacrificing time, energy, and love for people that would eventually be forced out of my life? Was anything ever said and done true? If they can do this to me, what does their love truly mean or stand for, for those who haven’t done this level of things for them? Did they just grow tired of loving me? I know I am not perfect, but I sought forgiveness; why can they not extend the same grace and love that the Lord gave them?
No matter the conclusion or thought I form to try to make sense of it all, it doesn't help me. No matter the answer I try to give for these questions, it doesn't help me. It either leads me to deep anger that results in major depression and dark thoughts or it leads me to feeling really sad and running from my feelings and pushing them further down for a day like today where everything surfaces.
How does a 24-year-old girl who went to college to pursue full-time ministry, devote herself to her church and the people in it, suddenly become someone where the nights feel too heavy to make it to the morning because of the hurt from a church? I used to literally struggle falling asleep on Saturday nights because I was so excited for the Sunday morning coming at church. BUT now… I struggle falling asleep on Sunday nights because of the anxiety and depression felt from the same kind of morning that used to give me this abundance of joy.
At 11:24 PM tonight, I got home, sat on my living room floor, and let out all the tears that I was holding in all night in hopes that I would be able to forget about everything and move on to my Monday. But I couldn’t, and this is me telling myself and you that, that is okay. I sat on the floor while Maverick continually turned his head back and forth listening to the moans of my weeping and wondering what in the world was going on with me. I texted my dad because I knew he would be awake, expressing the dark cloud that I felt come over me suddenly. I cried out to the Lord, asking Him to come near, come fast, and help me. I need Him to give me the strength to move on. I need Him to give me the strength to see His goodness in this, to see that He will continue to have victory over this. I cried out asking the Lord to be gracious enough to calm my heart, my body, and my mind so that I could sleep.
It was then that the Holy Spirit reminded me of two passages.
The first is Psalm 30. It says this:
"I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."
The second being Psalm 121. It says this:
"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore."
I read these two passages and prayed. While the Lord has yet to bind my heart or heal it, I know He will; I have faith that He will. As I said in my first writing, the Lord has victory over my life; the good and the bad. He is faithful. He is good. He is holding me fast.
Something that has come to mind the past couple of days, in reflection of my first writing that I published, is how I believe there is no coincidence that in my suffering this year, I have visited the hospital so much for very dear loved ones. I truly believe it was the Lord showing me and reminding me how precious and short this life is.
James 4:14 says,
“Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”
I think about Psalm 30 when it speaks of anger. Right now, in my grieving process, deep feelings of anger are normal; it’s a normal step in this journey. Job was angry, but he was angry with God. He took his complaining and feelings of anger to God. So while some may say it is sinful for me to feel the anger I feel, I hold fast to the word of God and I take my anger to the Lord. My hope is that one day these feelings would no longer be. It’s the same with my weeping. I believe the Lord has reminded me this year that the sufferings I have faced, the anger, the hurt, and the deep betrayal are nothing in comparison to the eternal joy I have coming upon His return. This life is but a vapor. It is here one day and gone the next.
So here I am now, writing this because that’s what my dear friend advised me to do. To write… about the good, the bad, the ugly. Today it’s the bad, it’s the ugly, and it’s about the rawness of my dark night.
It’s really hard when trying to make sense of the pain and when trying to get through, to believe… to believe that God is for us and for me, to believe that He is a good God and faithful, but I KNOW He is. I know He loves me, I know He is good. I know this because it is on nights like this where I can only find rest in Him. There is nothing in this deep pain that my friends, my parents, my new church, or my mentor can offer me to help me. There are no actions or words to fix what I am feeling. My rest, my hope, my refuge ONLY comes from Him. It is only through God that I can make it through these nights.
My very wise friend said this to me tonight in conversation… the things that happen here on earth – the things we do and the things done to us – do not dictate God’s faithfulness in our life but rather God’s faithfulness should dictate our actions and the things that happen here. He is right. He is absolutely right. Why should I let what a brother and sister in Christ on this side of Heaven (where the enemy is working to kill, steal, and destroy) determine my view of what the perfect, loving, and holy Jesus did for me on the cross? More times than not Christians allow the circumstances happening here on Earth to taint their view of Christ and who He is, rather than remembering what He did on the cross for us. When this happens, it is simply our lack of faithfulness to remember and to place our hope in Him and the cross. For me, though, I can see why that is so easy. It is especially easy when the ones who have hurt us are believers too. All it really boils down to, though, is their lack of knowledge of what genuine Biblical love for fellow brothers and sisters in Christ actually looks like. If we led our life with loving others as Jesus did, our world would look drastically different; our churches would look drastically different. I am sure the hurting wouldn’t feel or be so lonely, I am sure the rate of depression, suicide, and addiction would lessen.
I think about the story of the woman who had been caught in adultery in John 8. The religious scholars and Pharisees brought her forth to stone her, accusing and telling everyone of what she had done. BUT JESUS… I love this so much… Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt the sins of the men trying to stone this lady. He then stood up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: throw the stone." He then got down again and continued to write more sins of the men in the dirt. The men began to walk away, one after another. Jesus then asked the woman, "Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?" She responded, "No one," to which Jesus said to her, "Neither do I.”
So if you made it this far… I want to remind you and myself that Jesus loves you and He loves me. Jesus is faithful to us, even when His people are not. He is a good God even when you have to tell yourself over and over again on your dark days or for me on my dark nights.
Lastly, if you can relate to any of this… I’m sorry. I’m so deeply sorry. Truly. I pray that you have people who love you and pray for you like I have. I pray that you feel God’s love. I pray that you see a glimmer of light, and that you wait for the Joy to come in the morning.
My joy might not come tomorrow morning, or any morning of this week… But I know it is coming. Just like in the ark, Noah believed joy was coming and it did after 40 days and 40 nights. Just like Moses when he hid in the desert for 40 years after committing murder. Day 41 came for Noah and year 41 came for Moses. I know my 41 is coming, it might be 41 days, 41 months, or 41 years but I know it’s coming because I have faith in who is bringing it and you should too. It is not the one who hurt us but rather the one who came down from Heaven to die on the cross for me and you.
Mads
Phillip Yancey wrote a book about prayer. One of his insights really stuck with me, because it hit home. He said crying out to God in raging anger is one of the purest forms of prayer available to us--because is it so brutally honest. I was at that point of brutal honesty with God. And He was glad, even happy, to listen--because this was His child who was hurting, even though she blamed Him! He does heal the wounded heart... He wants us vulnerable to Him. He wants to hear our hearts and know our pain, and He is overjoyed to attend to that pain. He will !!
So rage on, Maddie! He can take it, and He wants th…