But Jesus said, you are mine.

Sitting in my living room with moving boxes surrounding me. Tears well up in my eyes thinking about the life that has filled these four walls.

The walls that hold laughter, tears, heartache, screams of excitement, grief, joy, & lots of memories. Memories that are good & cherished forever & memories I would pay someone to erase from my mind. Memories that make saying goodbye to this house not so hard.

Growing up I always rearranged the furniture in my bedroom at my parents’ house, I did it a lot. To the point of my dad wondering if something was wrong with me. I have always enjoyed interior design, creating a space that feels like home, myself, & brings joy to those who fill the space. However, in college a professor said one of the things he recommends people to do when they feel depressed is to change their space up, whether that be rearranging the furniture, getting a new comforter, moving around the decor, or simply cleaning out a cabinet & making it look more organized. He recommended it because he believed sometimes spaces hold such intimate moments with ourselves or others that the details of that space can remind us of those moments & cause depression or anxiety. While I don’t think growing up I was doing it to fix or attempt to heal depression or anxiety, I think I’ve carried my professor’s wisdom in the most recent year. Although, no matter how much I try to change my couch around, or bring in different color elements into the kitchen or living room- it won’t be enough to allow me to forget the nights I’ve fought for my life on the couch or the nights I walked into the kitchen to eat, only to return to my bed to rot. Depression & anxiety wrote a lot of my story in 2024 & while I still believe what I wrote in my very first published writing; that the Sunday prior in 2023 is no different then the new in 2024. It still felt like from the very beginning of 2024, starting January 7th- 2024 & the enemy were out to get me.

I still sit here though & reflect on these four walls & am thankful for what this home has done. In August of 2023, I moved in with a sweet friend that I had met through Katie, my friend who passed away. In October of 2023, I led my sweet precious friend to the Lord sitting on this couch from my old church. September of 2023, I brought my first real, serious boyfriend into this home, & this couch held lots of conversations about our future, what we wanted in life, reflections of our relationships with Jesus & each other. In December of 2023, Brittany my bestie & I played games one night until 2 am as I waited in hopes that my sister Paige would go into labor.

February 2024, my family came over to celebrate a promotion I got at my work. March 2024, I hosted my family for a week as we prayerfully waited to bring Collins, my niece, home from the NICU. July 2024, after months of isolating myself, a brother in Christ greeted me at my back door, we sat at my kitchen island for hours that night talking about the heartache I was feeling, he met me where I was that night.  I’ve hosted more birthdays than I can count, I’ve hosted more movie nights than my friend group would probably like to admit, I’ve hosted so many out of town friends; I’ve gotten to host prayer nights, worship nights, & Bible studies in this home.

It was the space that felt safest to me for a long time. A space where I knew I could be me, in whatever way that was on a given day. A space where I didn’t have to feel pressure to be on or be okay. I could cry on the couch, in the kitchen, in my basement. I could stop on the stairs & cry it out, I could dance in the kitchen with my dog when life felt light & fun for moments. I could change the score if I wanted to, I could leave at 11 pm to go get ice cream, I could be sad & laugh the next. It was a space that many aren’t fortunate to have.

I’m so thankful for this season of my life. I’m thankful for this space, the memories it holds & even the tears it heard.

& while I still would selfishly love to forget majority of this year- I feel the same about it as I do this home. I often find myself in this weird battle of missing an old version of me that 2023 held & not wanting to lose what I’ve learned & gained in my relationship with the Lord. I miss things that were true of my life in 2023, but still not wanting to lose what I’ve learned or gained in my relationship with Jesus this year.

It’s so hard coming to a point of that though, as ashamed as I am to admit that some days I would take the latter choice- it’s just moments like those where the Lord continues to hold me, carry me, & extends grace for me to see that while we’ve still got work to do- this is a much better place to be than where I was at the end of December of 2023.

I can miss my old church. I can miss friendships that no longer exist, I can miss a relationship I had with those that were like family. I can miss babies that I poured into, I can miss Bible studies I led, I can miss ministries that I served in, & I can miss encouragement I received weekly on Sundays. I can miss my ex boyfriend while still hating what has happened this year & while praising the Lord it did because I wouldn’t trade where I am with the Lord for those things to be back in my life. If it meant I had to lose all of that for me to see what I see now, about the Lord & His goodness, His kindness, His gentleness, His ever so faithfulness- than I would lose it over again. I hope I never have to again, I hope I never have to walk through what I have, I hope no one does. But friends- this is exactly what Joseph meant when he spoke to his brothers. That what they meant to harm him, God meant for good. God brought about good from it. He saved many lives from Joseph & what happened to Him. & I think it’s important to say, that the good that has came is nothing but the Lord’s doing. I think when people harm us, & we somewhat come out on the other side, they use the good as a way to excuse what they did. The good that has come is nothing but the Lord’s doing.

We go through trials in this life, trials that often are a testing of our faith, trials that may leave us wanting to give up- but I believe those who go through trials as mentioned are some of the luckiest- because they are the ones getting to feel the closeness of Jesus, seeing first hand his faithfulness, understanding His goodness on a totally different level.

& maybe you’re walking through a trial, & you haven’t gotten here- you still hate it, you’re still fighting to get out, I am too! Some days I still don’t get it, I still hate it, I still feel depressed & anxious at times but I think it’s in those moments I remind myself of who is not anxious, depressed, confused, or even on this side of Heaven. I remind myself of Jesus. I remind myself that He knew this was how my 2024 year was gonna go long before 1999. He knew the sins of my brothers long before I experienced them. He isn’t surprised by them, He is not thrown off, He isn’t working up a plan to fix it because He already had. He has a plan, all I have to do is focus on today. I’m not promised tomorrow, I’m not promised the next breath but I am promised that He has me. He is carrying me through. He loves me, He chose me, He died for me, & He is going to return for me one day.

Friends, no matter who you are, if you’re a believer or not- life is hard on this side of Heaven. You’re either coming out of a storm, preparing for one, or currently in one & I promise that the Lord is waiting for you to call upon Him for help and guidance. The things we face here on earth, we are not intended to walk through alone & while we may have someone at the doctors visit, hospital, meeting, or living with us- the Lord is with us in those quiet, dark moments that feel ever so lonely & hopeless. He is there in the moments where our mind has gone to war weighing out the pros & cons of life. He is there, waiting, all we have to do is call upon His name.

Here’s to 2025– a new year. A year where I am going to take it day by day- giving every day, moment, & thing to Him.

I hope this encourages you, no matter where you are. I hope you know you are deeply loved by Jesus. I hope you know no matter what life looks life, He loves you & wants what is best for you.

Happy New Year,

Maddie